How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?That depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance. Man: "It was, and she is". Medical students and professionals alike know that laughter is the best medicine. Coma: A punctuation mark. 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp "Sex is like playing Bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand" (Photo: Getty Image) By Alex. 7 points. email addresses were disqulified from the list and couldn't be sent. There you have it. Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital". It may be a duck, pheasant, or quail. To display your contact list, you must sign in: 90 Anti-Jokes So Serious They're Hilarious! Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. Let's take a look at our favorite short jokes for adults only: As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesn't matter. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. My son swallowed a razor-blade., Doctor: Quick, hes losing a lot of blood. Why did the library book go to the doctor?It needed to be checked out. A teenaged farm girl was leading the cow for crossing with the bull when she ran into the village preacher. Not my brother. I dont have to ask my patients these kinds of questions. There are also medical puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. He said he could feel it in his bones. Here are all the best chicken jokes, just for you! One snatches your watch. But that is why we like um! Why did the robot go to the doctor?It had a virus! Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. Cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. Then she looks at its eyes. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!, Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im going to die in 59 seconds!, The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?. I cant keep from yawning all day long.The doctor says, Well, I think its because youre two tired., A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem.The doctor asks, How often do you pass gas? and the man replies "10 to 15 times an hour. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? After he handed it to her, he said, I figured it out, so good news patient, well heres your prescription. "Your tap water is too hard. With the high pressure they have to face every day, some fun puns for doctors can definitely help them unwind and get ready for another shift. How does the receptionist at a urology department answer the phone? Please check link and try again. Here are even more adult jokes that are easy to remember. I took our advice and it works! We think the doctor would do a way better job than us. Why did the ladybird go to the doctor?She had spots! Three nurses died and went to heaven. The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other. In fact, if her blood pressure continues to improve like it is then Dr. Cohen is looking to send her home on Tuesday!Thats fantastic, the woman replied, oh, Im so thrilled!From your enthusiasm, I figure you must be a close family member?The woman replied, Im Sarah Finkel in 302! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. A man goes into the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive swallowed a watch. Because youre giving me a serious bone condition! There's noel. Our goal is to see every student enjoy a successful career in the healthcare field. When Im not telling stories, youll find me studying foreign languages (currently, Korean), fangirling over my guinea pig Pepperboy, watching TV shows, and learning to play the drums. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital. he asks. Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer? The general surgeon spots a duck flying from the marsh, aims his rifle, shoots the duck in one shot, and turns to the others and says "I just shot myself a duck." "Woman: "No, no, no! Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.This is your doctor. Having the proper resources to conduct a successful job search can make a big difference. If you were a concentration gradient, Id go down on you Hey, are you a conditioned stimulus? Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away? A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. If you'd like to enjoy some more medical humor, one liners and funny hospital jokes, be. Adult dirty riddle jokes are some of the most beautifully produced, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes. What did the doctor say to the rocket ship? "Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? I had no words. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. "My kids pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. Adam turned over a leaf to make an entry. make soiled, filthy, or dirty; "don't soil your clothes when you play outside!" vile; despicable; "a dirty (or lousy) trick"; "a filthy traitor". Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian?Apparently, its all about the delivery for some people. Whats the best place to hide from a doctor?The apple orchard. They were put in seperate examination rooms. What is the difference between god and an orthopedic surgeon. Murphys law of nursing #47: I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is! Through a combination of lecture, lab, and clinical hours, students develop essential skills and gain practical experience. Submitted By: RAMOOJI | Current Rating: 3.5. "Oh yes there are 3 other doctors there already. By queensland university of technology. What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldnt stop breaking wind? "Doctor: "The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe. Have you done anything yet?Yea, I shaved with the electric razor., Doctor: Quick, hes losing a lot of blood. Joke #8: "Differences Between Graduate Nurse and Experienced Nurses". A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was sent to the hospital one day. You've got your memory back. ), or just manually add the email addresses you'd like to keep in your contact list. Dont leave me hangin here. Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. You can call me metronidazole because I do great work below the diaphragm without needing air. My thermometer just broke. A man frantically calls the doctor and says, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!Is this her first child? the doctor responds.The man replies, No, you idiot! We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really)all-natural medical humor. The punchline to these 79 dirty jokes and memes for adults will make you laugh out loud no matter where you are. Between the first and second hole. she replied. Well, said the teacher, The first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. Prevention! Rectum: Almost killed him "Doctor: "Of course! A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it.. Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. ", Doctor: You have high blood pressure and amnesia.Patient: Well, at least I dont have high blood pressure!. A dirty laugh borne out of a dirty joke will help you get by. "He replied, "Neither do I. I'd like to finger your fret board. But I refused. "There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass. Why did Dracula go to the doctor?He couldnt stop coffin! Hell have you in stitches.. While these jokes may not help you find the perfect Halloween costume or rid your house of paranormal activity, they're sure to lighten the mood in even the most grave . * "Jurassic Pig". Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the viagra. "Doctor: "They're going to name a disease after you. "Man: "And? You know how they say that laughter prolongs life? I said to the doctor at the hospital, "I keep dreaming my eyes change colour". Where? he asked. 80 short jokes and one liners! Dissolvable relationships. -those who understand binary, and those who don't. COPY JOKE. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. Thorax: A Dr. Seuss character 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. Neilas often finds himself lost in making music, sim racing, watching movies, TV Series and playing video games in his free time. Here you will find the nasty and sexual limericks that we can't show on the main page. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. Instead of manually entering the email addresses you want to send to each and every time, you can now create your own personalized contact list that will be available for you to use any time you want to share one of our posts with your friends and family. What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in? There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. 6 The Diagnosis. I'm sorry, sir, but we've found high traces of glucose in your urine. Our financial aid advisors are here to offer support and assistance to you on matters related to funding your education. We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. Proof that punctuation saves lives. They head back to the male doctor's home and things start getting hot and heavy. Dirty Limericks are the best kind of limericks and the most popular! Why did the king go to the dentist?To get his teeth crowned! Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave?The hip replacement guy. Title of the movie. Patient: Hey doc, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? ""Whos there?""3:30. 2. Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.". One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. But it costs just as much., A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.Nonsense, scolded the doctor. - Will Rogers Medical Dirty Jokes. Weve got the results back from your tests, and weve found you have an extremely nasty virus that is extremely contagious!Oh my gosh, cries the man. 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", Patient: Please help me! Because you're making me drool. One day, a man stumbled into his doctors office with a terrible cold. So we started telling people that he'd been killed by a colon parasite. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?Mr. Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk carefully by the pill cabinet? Catscan: Searching for kitty The doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didnt help. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. Doctor: 'What about a cardboard box?'. I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" What's the good news? Any news on how hes doing?Nurse: So far, still no change., A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.Oh no, honey. If I treat someone with pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia., A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up.His boss asks him, Jeez, what happened to your ears?Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron.Well, that explains one ear, the boss replied, but what about the other one?I had to call the doctor!, A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. The best medical jokes One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it my wife isn't. Im told he made too many rash decisions. Dad: Don't be silly son, you were an accident. Son Tells His Parents Hell Never Speak To Them Again After Finding Out Theyre Paying For Sisters Education Yet Didnt Pay For His, The Best And Worst Transformations Seen During School Reunions, As Shared By These 30 Internet Users, 'You Are Not Alone': I Made Relatable Illustrations Of A Middle-Aged Panda Experiencing Daily Struggles (16 New Pics). Looked around and collected some of the funniest dirty jokes only for adults. Im feeling a little off today. A notoriously mischievous student in medical college was up to his usual tricks. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe., Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital""Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that. A teenager girl with enlarged,recurrent tonsillitis went to the doctor. If you'd like to enjoy some moremedical humor, one linersandfunny hospital jokes, be sure to check out our collection ofmedical puns. Doctor: "I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.". An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car. ! the man goes, How could there possibly be worse news than that? COPY. ", Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. COPY JOKE. "So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, "Do I have to take them every day?". More Dirty Jokes. All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies. What dont you want to hear in the middle of surgery? During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? Post Operative: A letter carrier, Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery Doctor: "d@mmt! Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.". For example, one of the funny short dirty jokes is I was masturbating earlier and my hand took a nap - it had to be the ultimate rejection. What should I do?Take these pills, says the doctor. 'Because,' I replied, 'I've got tire marks on my legs. David: "Doctor, he didnt hang himself. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God.Is my time up? she asked him.No, God answered, you still have 40 years, 5 months, and 3 days to live.Upon recovery, the woman felt sublime. "Patient: "120 what? Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. This is her husband!, Doctor: I had a young boy in here yesterday that swallowed 10 quarters. 60 Funny Dirty Jokes for Adults Short Rude And Funny Dirty Jokes #1. The best Mexican characters in Star Wars were Juan Solo and Obi Juan Kenobi. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Take a hot bath, and when you get out, open all the windows and stand in the draft.But if I do that, Ill risk getting pneumonia doc, replied the man.I know, said the doctor, but I can cure pneumonia!, One day, a man walked into a doctors office and told the receptionist he had shingles. ", A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head.". Submitted By: dr. hemantkumar | Current Rating: 4.5. Submitted By: N.S.Srivatsan | Current Rating: 2.9. Faced with such a brilliant response, we have no possible reply. It's St. Patrick, a Perfect Time to Be Punny. What The Bible Says About Lustful And Nasty Thoughts. "Doctor: "You now have a Tic-Tac toe. Absolutely hillarious doctor one-liners! Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!". They both have manholes. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!Doctor: When did that happen?Patient: When did what happen?. Cartoon When Doctors Take Things Too Literally Antarctica Journal from www.antarcticajournal.com "i was talking to your girlfriend.". It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. But don't worry, I'll give the good news to your widow. What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldnt stop breaking wind?A kite. i have an imaginary girlfriend.. Fulfilled this dream when I became a content creator and a filmmaker. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. Any idea what it could be?. Accountancy is the oldest profession in the world. I knew I wanted to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. The doctor says, "I see. Seizure: Roman Emperor, Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport. "I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. Is that a reflex hammer in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me! Doctor, "Tell him I can't see him.". 2. Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic. Wanna take the joke a little far? She decided that if she had so much time left to live, she might as well make the most of it. Patient was found in bed with her power mower. They started getting along really well they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink. 80-year Old Joke A Doctor And A Patient Joke Aids Joke Aids Or Alzheimers Joke Annual Check Up Joke Attorney And The Pathologist Joke A Young Doctor Joke Beautiful Joke Brain Reduction Joke Bubba At The Doctor Joke Cars Joke Delivery Joke Desperate Men Joke Diagnostic Computer Joke Doctor Parker Joke Doctor's Funeral Joke Doctors Joke I don't have a carbon footprint. The next Doctor s What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Me: Were they fast as lightning?, Patient: No, and it was scary, I thought they were gonna wreck my door. There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. "He replied, "I doubt it somehow. "Doctor: "Okay, but why are you telling me about this? Speaking of dirty jokes, we have the ultimate stockpile of the dirtiest, raunchiest, and definitely, NSFW jokes for you. One day, a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. Mrs. Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. Another doctor., Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?Patient: When I get up, I feel dizzy for one hour?Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.. You must be clozapine because you make me drool uncontrollably. The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they're not worth it?" Score: 2. because i put on the wrong sock this morning. brutalanglosaxon 2. "While I was in the doctor's waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. 82.44 % / 2043 votes. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. My son swallowed a razor-blade.Dont panic, Im coming immediately. What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school? ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. A swallow. Dr. Young: "Aaagh! "I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense. Patient: I always see spots before my eyes., Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.. "If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons." He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The largest collection of doctor one-line jokes in the world. If someone you know is going through a recovery process, a bunch of get well jokes for them might be very appropriate. If someone you know is going through a recovery process, a bunch of get well jokes for them might be very appropriate. By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. No one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals. Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" Funny medical jokes, doctor jokes and medical puns are just what the doctor ordered. Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?He kept feeling jumpy. ", "After my prostate exam, the doctor left. I never could before!'. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide., John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. Vein : Conceited. Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra from the counters. There is no end to the number of fully medical jokes that can be made. Me:Hey, , cmon, I just gave the first part of the song. Patient: Doctor, Ive swallowed a spoon.. A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits.All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?, A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all., A patient went to their optometrist and said, Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain in my eye. Why did the banana go to the doctor?He wasnt peeling well. "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting. "You look drunk." 3. Patient: I know, but I dont know the rest of the song!, The intern sees a duck, aims his rifle, leads the duck with his first shot, trails it with his next shot and hits with his third. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. Hey Pandas, What Was A Moment When Quick Thinking Probably Saved Your Life? Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. All sorted from the best by our visitors. you know, you could do better.. dirty. Enema: Not a friend The serious types of doctors are the ones who emanate serious aura. He forgot to wrap his whopper. As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesnt matter. Patient: 'Great! I never could before!, A doctor turns to his patient and says, Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.The patient blushed and replied, Compared to who?, "Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? When the examination was complete, he said, "I can take it. Both friends - doctor and engineer- were in love for the same girl. ", "I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! a licensed medical practitioner; "I felt so bad I went to see my doctor". You make my heartbeat like a drop of epinephrine. ", Doctor: Youre as healthy as a horse!Jimmy: Thats great!Doctor: A horse with kidney stones.. "Give him a headache! says the doctor. He responded by saying, Shingles, and she told him to wait in the exam room.Ten minutes later, a nurse came in and asked what he has. Dishwasher leak under tile floor; A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send a bill to her husband! Patient: Hey doc, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. With jokes about everything from mummies to zombies to pumpkins (and even some cheesy dad jokes), finding the perfect spook-tacular one-liner will be the least of your worries. That's not how it works! Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. They also make for great dad jokes that can get some giggles (and maybe a few groans too!). ", "My dermatologist was fired today. The vet interrupted him by saying, Look, Im a vet. !Nurse: B positive.Doctor: Im trying, but hes lost a lot of blood., "Knock, knock. Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high. Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately? Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side? A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats. I dont have to ask my patients these kinds of questions. What is the difference between god and an orthopedic surgeon. Why does miss piggy douche with honey? How do you know your doctor is a vampire?He draws your blood from your neck with a straw! "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.Doctor: How do you feel?Patient: A little down in the mouth.. 12 Patient Care. ", Patient: Will this ointment clear up my spots?Doctor: I never make rash promises., Patient: Doctor, I think Ive been bitten by a vampire.Doctor: Drink this glass of water.Patient: Will it make me better?Doctor: No, but Ill be able to see if your neck leaks., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.Doctor: Dont get yourself in a stew.. 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